so I'm going to be moving soon. I don't really know what I expect to be different. I think not having to deal with some certain things will be nice, but as far as rational reasons as to why I will be happier there than I am here, I have few. Closer to family. Closer to hills and trees and a better climate. I'll have to find a new job. I'll most likely be making a career change. I'm not really sure what I want out of life anymore.

There are a few things left I'd like to accomplish, but my current personal philosophy and mental state has definitely sapped much of the urgency I once felt. I admire my friends without blinders who have still succeeded in doing things with their lives. Once you see what a rotten mess we are in and where the goodness in life resides it can become very difficult to find the motivation to play the main games we all must play. Obviously this is all made possible because we are no longer starving to death, rooting around in the mud like wild beasts, and some of our games are very necessary and really the best of human endeavor, but it is hard to really want to play once you understand the nature and structure of things, of human beings and our institutions.

I used to get my motivation from very obvious places, the praise of teachers and admiration of my peers, and I did (and do) genuinely enjoy the fascinating beauty of science and music and sports and the arts. But I never made them my own, and a bout of hormones, a shift in brain chemistry, and confusion over my role as "boy of destiny" all collaborated to throw me wildly off track exactly at the moment I was supposed to be getting on. So now I've made it through it (for the most part), managed to salvage a small number of the many good things I've lost, and am starting anew.