there are a lot of things on the internet to read right now, but nothing I want to read. I like reading about a lot of topics, but some times it feels like the authors are all missing the big picture. there are always bigger pictures, but right now for me is the big picture of how mankind is currently failing.

we succeed in some ways, in fits and starts, but we haven't figured out how to succeed collectively. we have institutions that performed (and perform) well given a relative level of homogeneity in the population, but we ultimately aren't homogenous in enough ways to keep things up, not to mention our old ways were not without problems of their own (nationalism, colonialism). the left attempted to overcome this homogeneity problem by asserting a relativity among diverse groups of people. Our way is ok, their way is ok, just different. The problem (easily seen) with this is that some ways are actually better than others. Societies around the world have all established different ways of dealing with our human problems, and some solutions are better than others (of course, there are almost always tradeoffs).

What I am interested in is creating a new form of community. I have a friend who believes we should all be our own self-interested rational actors, but that a more informed view of our own self interest would force us to recognize that allocating resources toward solving social problems makes sense. His ideal world is everyone in their own car and apartment and entertainment island. Social relationships for him are only worth as much as they are able to payoff in terms of benefits down the road. Family is an inconvenient coincidence.

While I do share his appreciation of the difficulty and annoyance that is present in most interactions with humans, I do not agree that the appropriate response is self-isolation and forgoing all relationships that are inconvenient. I believe that challenging close relationships, while often a struggle, pay off in ways that are enriching and satisfying. It is easy to understand humans; it is next to impossible to understand your neighbors, coworkers, and friends.

so I'm going to be moving soon. I don't really know what I expect to be different. I think not having to deal with some certain things will be nice, but as far as rational reasons as to why I will be happier there than I am here, I have few. Closer to family. Closer to hills and trees and a better climate. I'll have to find a new job. I'll most likely be making a career change. I'm not really sure what I want out of life anymore.

There are a few things left I'd like to accomplish, but my current personal philosophy and mental state has definitely sapped much of the urgency I once felt. I admire my friends without blinders who have still succeeded in doing things with their lives. Once you see what a rotten mess we are in and where the goodness in life resides it can become very difficult to find the motivation to play the main games we all must play. Obviously this is all made possible because we are no longer starving to death, rooting around in the mud like wild beasts, and some of our games are very necessary and really the best of human endeavor, but it is hard to really want to play once you understand the nature and structure of things, of human beings and our institutions.

I used to get my motivation from very obvious places, the praise of teachers and admiration of my peers, and I did (and do) genuinely enjoy the fascinating beauty of science and music and sports and the arts. But I never made them my own, and a bout of hormones, a shift in brain chemistry, and confusion over my role as "boy of destiny" all collaborated to throw me wildly off track exactly at the moment I was supposed to be getting on. So now I've made it through it (for the most part), managed to salvage a small number of the many good things I've lost, and am starting anew.